Any Lengths (Alcoholism), circa 2000, by Anonymous

From MemoryArchive

Who: Anonymous
What: Recovery from Alcoholism
When: Circa 2000
Where: USA

I had been to AA off and on about 8 years before I stopped drinking.

When I came to AA this last time I was pretty well beaten up.

On my last drunk I had what I call grey outs. I felt like Scotty was transporting me from bar to bar and situation to situation. I have snippets of memory from here and there between 5pm and 2 am. At 2am I came out of a blackout while I was behind the wheel of my car. Initially I didnt realize I was driving. I think it was hitting the guardrail that made me realize the car was moving.

I got out of the car, got down on my knees and asked, no, begged God to please help me. (I do believe that was the most sincere pray I had uttered in years) I got back into the car and started to drive. I didnt know where I was. My thoughts were racing, yet they were clear. I asked God for help and all I could think of was getting home and calling AA and then wrestling with that thought thinking OH NO GOD!!! ANYTHING BUT AA!!!! I made it home and crawled into bed. I fell fast asleep. When I woke up I called AA within the hour. I was hung over, had a fridge full of beer and spent the day white knuckling it.

I was willing to give AA 1 more shot, so I took my shaking, sick & detoxing body to a meeting. I cant really tell you what was said. I was doing all I could to stay sitting in the seat feeling the bile in my throat.

I stayed sober that night. When I got up in the morning there was a letter from an atty. My divorce was final. Even tho I was glad for the news on 1 level I felt bad on another. I was so confused. I didnt know what I was feeling. I had moved on. I was living with someone.

I spent the day very restless doing housework trying not to drink.

I spent my first 10 days like that. Restless & Fighting a drink. Sitting in meetings and ready to run the the bathroom. A Kind old timer cleaned up afer I didnt make it to the bathroom to get sick and he suggested I get a waste basket or sit near a trash can.

After 10 days sober all hell broke lose. My boyfriend and I had a big fight. He said some really disturbing things the least of which was that he liked me better drunk. He was mad because I was going to meetings and not spending time with him.

He was very verbally abusive. I served dinner and went upstairs. I gathered as many belongings as I could fit in 2 laundry baskets. I put them in the car and I left, saying I was going to the laundrymat.

I drove to the place where the meeting was scheduled. I was early. I was sitting in the car crying my eyes out when Leo the coffeemaked pulled in. He saw the shape I was in and came over and told me to come on in and keep him company as he made the coffee. Then he shared the coffee he had in his container. He let me cry a bit then handed me a roll of toilet paper. He didnt tell me to stop crying, he didnt ask me what was the matter. He simply shared space with me and that in and ofitself was comforting. when I was drying up my tears he said "Fannie why dont you give me a hand and set up the chairs" so I did.

During the meeting during announcements he announced that the group had a new Chairman and said it was me. I wanted to crawl under the table. So far all I could squeek out at meetings was my name and that I passed.

After the meeting I put the chairs away like Leo told me to do and helped him clean up the dishes. I now had a home group.

I didnt have anywhere to go after the meeting so I pulled my car into a rest area on the highway and went to sleep.

In the morning I went to a swimming hole and took a bath and thought of my dilemna. I had about 350 bux in the bank. 50 dollars cash and no where to go. I thought of places arounf the lake that were heavily wooded and decided that I was going to sleep in my car in the woods for a while. i drove around the lake that day and found a spot to "camp" and wished I had a tent.

I was not going to go back to live with Tom. I knew the relationship was over and was heading to abuse. I went to a 3pm meeting that afternoon. Then a double header at 7.

I lived that way for almost 3 months. I didnt drink and I went to meetings. I got phone numbers. I read the big book and tried to get a sponsor. I had 8 sponsors in that short period of time and none of them worked out because the women either ended up drunk or were totally nuts.

In that 3 months I lost 3 friends in AA. 1 drank himself to death. 1 hung himself. 1 died in a motorcycle crash. The friend that hung himself I had known since we were kids, we were next door neighbors and had coffee only hours before. I cried and cried when I heard he died. I didnt drink.

I went to meetings EVERY day...and on most days I went to at least 2 and on some days I did marathons with 5.

I heard some people say they were going for coffee and I asked if I could go. They smiled and said sure. I started to go to coffee regularly and listened to them talk about themselves and laugh at the silly mistakes they made. Oh It was so nice to have genuine laughter.

Now you may think this is a story about willingness to go to any lengths.....it really isnt. It was what got me to the point of willingness to go to any lengths.

I wanted what these people had.

So I got a sponsor that wasnt gunna let me bs him. I did what he told me to do (sometimes dragging my feet). I became willing to ask God for help in my life EVERY DAY and was willing to experience the steps.

I became commited to staying sober and getting well I didnt start out that way. All I wanted was the pain to stop.

I had a little willingness as I told you about with my story and that willingnes grew. It grew into a commitment. The commitment grew into a way of life.

Republished with permission from Serendity Found, where you will find more information on recovery.