I Battled Childhood Depression, 1990s, by Andrew Carroll

From MemoryArchive

Who: Andrew Caroll
What: Childhood Depression
When: 1990s
Where: New York, New York

Many times the greatest enemy we face is ourselves. I have fought my internal enemy in the form of childhood depression. For now I have won, but the outcome was, for a long time, uncertain.

I had lived with depression before, when I was only seven, but I did not remember what it was like. So, when I was 12 and started feeling "in a rut" I thought nothing of it. I did not realize that the gradual slide into a nightmare would continue slowly as days passed.

It was late October and as the seasons were changing, I began to feel worse and worse. I thought maybe there wasn't enough daylight, or maybe I had a genetic disorder. Whatever the reason, I knew I was slowly losing control of my life. By December, I was withdrawing from my friends, school, even my own family. Over time, a simple bad day turned into a string of unbearable nightmares, an intolerable existence in an empty void.

Despite these warning signs, I still took no steps to stop it. I held on to the belief that it was a natural part of growing up, and it would get better if just given time. By March, everyone in my family knew something was wrong with me. We decided I should see a psychiatrist and find out if medication might help. The psychiatrist diagnosed my depression and prescribed an antidepressant to make me feel better. We also made a decision that seemed even more important to me; we got a dog.

Although I was actively fighting the depression, I continued to spiral down into the worst period of my life. In May, I began to have suicidal thoughts and actually considered suicide on a number of occasions. Nothing helped. It seemed that my life was over. I felt that I had let everyone down; that I had failed at such a young age. I kept wondering why I couldn't escape from where I was. Everything looked the same to me. I couldn't remember any time in the past where it had not been like this, or imagine a time where it wouldn't be like this.

In the end, the professional help, the medication, the support of my parents, and most of all, my own perseverance helped me break through the depression. I owe so much to all those who helped me. They kept me from going over the edge, and gave me enough time to realize what I needed to do. At the end of June, I felt it was time to start living again.

Now I realize how wonderful life is and how much I had overlooked when I was depressed. I have started to rebuild the broken links in my life, reaffirm my friendships, and take care of all the things that happened when I was "away."

I've actually gained so much from my depression. I have a wonderful dog who is now my best friend. I also have learned how to deal with depression if it comes knocking on my door again (and I'm sure it will). I hope that anyone else who feels the way I did when I was depressed will try to remember that the world really is a wonderful place, and life is worth living.

Editor's Note: Andrew Carroll is 14 years old. He wrote this essay for a school project and shared it with our readers to help people understand the effects of childhood depression and to offer hope to other young people.

Reproduced with permission from New York City Voices, where you will also find more information about recovery.